The Art of Listening

What business, society and individuals can learn from a hostage negotiator

Richard Mullender has had an interesting career, one that's been split down the middle. His formative years were spent working with London's Metropolitan police, where he gradually moved into the highly specialised area of negotiation. In fact, so good was he at mastering his art, it wasn't long before he was the foremost expert on his field teaching others his knowledge.

"I was a police officer for 30 years, and basically got very interest in interviewing people and kind of took the lead in training interviewers as well…The last five years of my police career I spent working for the hostage and crisis negotiation team.

"It's not just hostage negotiation, but a lot of our work, the vast majority was suicide intervention." Said Richard, as we chatted ahead of a rental movie release that touches upon his work. (Any excuse, right?)

This is an area that we're fascinated by, the nuances of talking people out of doing something that's either bad for other people or, in the case of troubling thoughts of suicide, hurting themselves. (Note: Read Man's Search for Meaning to confirm why there is ALWAYS something to live for.) It's also a subject that gets inflated and dramatised by the movie industry. Both a subject of entertainment, thrills and horrors. But, seemingly, the real life experience is some distance from that.

"Hollywood is great fun to watch, that's all i'd say. The film The Negotiator isn't bad actually. It's based around truth, I think Hollywood is quite a good way to look at it, but it's very much the flashier end of it." Said Richard.

So, there you have it, Hollywood isn't completely fictionalised. It's just that the majority of the time a skilled negotiator, like Richard, spends helping society is with the less headline-grabbing incidents. Richard is a different type of individual to the people we'd usually interview. You get the feeling he's managing the flow of conversation, reading the interviewer and gleaning as much information from us as we are from him. It's no wonder that his career post-police has proven as fascinating and lucrative as it has. He's an expert and an expert that's able to read people in a way most of us can't even compute. But there's hope, it's not Jedi stuff, you too could learn to utilise his expertise in everyday life.

"All of the skills that I teach can be used in every avenue and every discipline of your life. There's nothing that we teach that you don't use already. I use the analogy of a racing car driver. That's really the best way I can describe it. Say, Sebastian Vettel or Lewis Hamilton drive their car at the peak of their ability. The concentrate totally. A hostage negotiator uses the skills you use everyday at the peak of their expertise. It's just that really." Said Richard, while we run through the analogy in our head.

The key to it all is how you use your ears. Listening is right at the core of Richard's expertise, so much so, that he strongly claims to be one of the few people in the "listening" industry that can actually teach you how to do it.

It's funny how quiet you become when an expert on listening is telling you how many people don't listen well. We all think it's a skill we've got down, it's easy, right? You hear, you reply. But, according to Richard, there's more to it.

"Very few people listen and very people understand what it means to listen. Lots of people tell you, 'Oh, yeah, you should pay attention' - what does that mean?

"How do you listen properly? What is the function of you as hostage negotiator? It's to understand the other person. How do I get to understand the other person? As a hostage negotiator, we're figuring out, ok, what are you really trying to tell me here? Then I guess at what you're trying to tell me…Either way, I get the result I am looking for. You've told me what you're thinking." Says Richard, as a matter of fact.

It's this translation into everyday working life that's proving a hit with corporate trainers. Because the application of these skills could, just could, add digits to the bottom line. Not just that, it could liberate a corporate culture from the politics and infighting that's symptomatic of individuals that don't listen.

"Let's say i'm your leader - i want to know how you work, what makes you tick, I find out how you like to work…The best way to get the best out of you. Once I've done that, I can task you in such a way that you enjoy doing the job I give you, which means that you work better… and so it's a win win. From a sales point of view, it's a values thing. I've got to sell it through your values." Said Richard.

But don't stop there, don't mistake listening as a top-down process. Something that will make your boss reward and work more affectively with you. According to Richard, listening is a two-way flow.

"What people don't really understand, what they fail to grip: if your boss at 25 [years old] needed and liked to be praised and told they're doing a good job, then when they're sixty, guess what, they still need recognition…If you want to get on well with your boss then find out what your boss needs. If you want to get on well with your team, then work out what each individual needs.

"The more i've worked in business, the more i've realised it [my method] works." Insists Richard.

You're probably thinking the same thing we did: it's all very well saying listening is important, but how the blazes do you do it?

"If I am listening, I am not asking questions.

"What are the keywords? Tone of voice. The tone of voice will tell you. Then it's the key descriptive words, you know: should, must, ought to, go to, 'I need this one urgently'. You've got to retune your ears and be prepared to interpret. You then test them, 'I get the impression you're upset'. They might tell you you're right, they might tell you you're wrong, but either way you get an answer."

Sounds easy, right? Listening becomes the core of the conversation, something that seems critical to all walks of life. It's also a subject that Richard is very passionate about. An area he believes both tells us about each other, and highlights the flaws of unresolved conflict around the world.

"The problem with most of the conflicts in the world is pretty simple: people don't listen to the other side. They don't listen to what's being said, because they're too stuck in their own agenda. It happens in sales, people say they to themselves, they have an agenda and they get stuck in their ways. That's their agenda.

"If i'm trying to sell someone this idea, if i'm trying to sell someone hope, then you've got to work out where the hope is and why they don't see there's any hope." Richard adds.

It seems, the more we explore Richard's passion and skills, that his sentiment is both noble and essential for the betterment of British life. Perhaps even something that should be added to tertiary curriculums. Richard's skills prevent bad things being done by bad people, they protect people from doing bad things to themselves, they add GDP to the nation's finances, make working life smoother, and could mend some of the tears in Global society. It's one thing to know that, though, and another thing to learn from that and believe in it.

"Imagine yourself from the third person, looking in on the room, on the conversation, ask the questions or not ask the questions.

"My aim is to get people to listen properly, because when people listen properly you understand people." He closes with.

We hear you, Richard.

Richard Mullender is an ex-hostage negotiator, and listening expert, who has worked in a range of scenarios, we interviewed him following the release of Rebellion on rental - a movie that touches upon his areas of expertise.

Rebellion, is out on Blu-ray and DVD now, courtesy of Lionsgate Home Entertainment.