Far-fetched theories about fancy cars and mundane motors

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Thinking of investing in a new car? Forget price and practicalities, it's much more important to make sure you're ride isn’t grassing you up as an adulterer or revealing you to be an aggressive macho-man or, perhaps worst of all, Granny's disappointed favourite… (You'll see!)

We round up some of the internet's finest - ahem - theories about what your car says about you.

You're thinking: "I'd quite like my new car to be capable of going fast." Apparently, this really means: "Ha, take that wife! I'm putting it about all over the place!" How? 'Men want fast cars because, subconsciously, they are all getaway drivers planning an escape from the scene of their latest crime - be it sexual, relational or professional.' - Consultant psychiatrist, Dr Raj Persaud, The Telegraph.

"That one with the slightly longer bonnet is alright," becomes: "Watch it men, I'll fight you and steal your girlfriends, just because I can." How? 'The longer the bonnet of a car, the more arrogant and macho the driver is judged to be.' - Dr Raj Persaud.

Women aren't exempt from the loud yell of car connotations either. Apparently "I drive this car because it was the practical choice for me" becomes: "Does my bum look big in this BMW? How about from this angle? Does it clash with my hair?" How, you may wonder? 'We have clients who say ‘My BMW or Jeep is the last thing I put on before I go out.' - Wesley Brown from consumer research and trend consulting firm, Iceology tells Forbes. Bit of an expensive item to see as a coat, isn’t it?

Some messages are much more model-specific: Complex Rides admits: "I drive a Mercury Grand Marquis" translates to: "My grandmother died, and this is all she left me." Climb into a Mini Cooper and you're telling the world: "BBC is my favourite channel," while innocently getting from A to B brings your priorities into question if you're doing it in a Mercedes-Benz M-Class: "Honey, why didn't you pick up the groceries?" it wordlessly demands, "I told you I had a mani/pedi in the morning and then was going to lie out with the pool boy."

And what about your car's colour? You might be surprised just how much it reveals about you…. then again, you might not. PsychicJoanne reveals: "Black car drivers are said to be aggressive, competitive and intimidating." She says "Those who drive black cars often have an aggressive streak." If you drive a black car and are feeling even mildly annoyed by these sweeping generalisations, well…

There are some interesting theories about the car manufacturing industry, too: undiagnosed autism, anyone? 'The latest theory in psychology is that all men are actually a bit autistic, which explains why they are so obsessed with numbers,' Dr Raj Persaud explains. 'It also clarifies why cars remain one of the few products still labelled entirely by numbers; where else, apart from a Chinese takeaway, do you ask for a 75, a 406, or a 911 if you want to be served?'

So what’s so special about numbers, you may ask? 'The point about numbers is that they facilitate comparison,' the psychologist explains. They also stop the motoring industry having to add even more completely unrelated proper nouns to their model titles, thereby saving men from having to feel like idiots as they struggle to pronounce them. Does that mean men are a bit illiterate, too? Why the hell not!

Not all cars translate as the guns ready to assassinate our characters, however: according to Complex Rides, the Ford Focus indicates a clear-minded, no-nonsense approach: "Point A is here. Point B is there. Just get me there safely." Hang on, does that mean "I'm boring"…?

Are there actually any cars that are safe to buy? Perhaps we should stick with used cars to save shelling out too much for something that could any day cause strangers to assume we're on our way to have an affair before heading to a bar to start a fight and finally going to spit on our grandmother's graves.