Parker: Action is as action does

Pointlessly unrealistic entertainment that's half an hour too long

By James York, 6 March 2013

Jason Statham is now a bona fide action brand in his own right. From Transporter to Crank, and the most recent induction into the action hero club with The Expendables, most of his catalogue is a frenetic ride through beating the heck out of your enemies avenue. And those behind the beat 'em up genre are keeping this typecast career rolling with Parker. Another movie straight off the Statham production line - you can't imagine anyone else cast for this role. It's raw, predictable, unrealistic, unoriginal and yet, painful as it is to admit, wildly entertaining.

Parker, the man, is a petty criminal with a muddled accent who gets on an old school cash heist crew through his gargling father-in-law figure, Hurley (Nick Nolte). The raid goes all but seamlessly until, that is, the crew begin to plan their next venture in the getaway car. Parker just wants out - he has some skirt waiting for him and a summer house by a swamp. But you can guess what happens next - things go south, multiple bullets fly and Parker damn near gets his lungs blown off. We all know that revenge is what action-heroes do best, though, and that's precisely the mission Parker embarks upon. It also happens precisely ten minutes after his three fairly life-threatening exit wounds have been stitched up. Willis, Stallone, Van Damme - they could all take wounds that would kill a mortal - now we have Statham to drag the action hero forth.

As far as your generic action formula goes, Parker actually has a rather progressive cast to enjoy. Michael Chiklis (Vegas), Wendell Pierce (The Wire) and Bobby Cannavale (Boardwalk Empire) all take the step up from season franchise fame to bring their familiar faces and competent abilities to the screen. Nick Nolte just gurgles wonderfully like a tramp on white spirit. But Jennifer Lopez? It's wonderfully ironic that, as the man whose reputation she near ruined with a pre-nup picks up a well-deserved Oscar, her acting career appears almost unsalvageable. Stepping in as a ditzy realtor, and Parker's accidental accomplice in his revenge heist, her character is needy, annoying, unlikely and whiny. It's either good acting (give over) or bad casting - her every moment on screen is an offense to Statham's metronomic ability to shake off blood haemorrhages.

On the long side of entertaining, Parker is what it is: An action movie with a sprinkle of seasoning. It's not going to bowl any critics over, but you can't deny a man the chance to see the indestructible Statham dance through bullets, knives deep in flesh and hellfire to get his revenge. Trouble is, after he gets it, you might have forgetten what day of the week it is.